Setting the scene...

Time: 9:59 pm
Weather: warm
Music: Je veux te voir - Yelle
Mood: feeling tested
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     As I drove home from drinks with some friends and their girlfriends it hit me, the 3rd or 5th wheel-itis. I find myself in an interesting situation. It's not that I don't understand their cuddling and kissing and such it's just that my girlfriend is half way across the world facing enormous stress and pressure from her work, family and overall life. And here I am wishing I could share this night with her, but after trying even for a moment to understand what she's going through, I suddenly feel embarrassed and childish but still quite lonely.

   It's in these moments that I find myself asking "why". Why for everything? Why am I chasing this goal of traveling? Why do I think this will satisfy me? Maybe i'm trying to simulate the prodigal son parable in the bible? That I must go out into the void and feel the chill of true loneliness and abandonment in order to better understand the depth of God's love and care. In this way, maybe I will draw closer to this elusive "why".

    In my heart I know "why" and yet I do not do that which I want to do and yet continue to do that which I do not want to do. When moving forward with planning and goal setting, I must establish a strong "Because". Not to say this is set in stone but as an indicator of where my passion dwells.

    Through great adversity many have found their passion and calling. But in this era of comfort and wealth my desire to step out and see what i'm made of appears to be foolish and naive. Wasting the sacrifices and hard work of my parents.

   But what is the worth of a lesson learned from the comfort of security and perceived strength? When you don't really know how strong your personal fortitude really is? Glass - brittle - weak. Is it because you know it to be this way that you hunger to be tested, to be broken so that you have no other choice but to endure.

   Regardless of what others think, this hunger is in me. To fall and find that bottom so all I have is God. In this way am I mastering my body? When my body shows the marks of trusting a godless world?

   Or is this just selfish deception, leading me astray for the sake of being lead astray. I am called to stand and dwell in the light. Trust is what I am called to do now. Trust, hope and pray. Look beyond myself. Break the cycle of Me and focus on the We. Pride and vanity use self-pity to have oneself continually turn back inwards gaining nothing of value and shutting out all the help and support that is available.

   I need to stop being so picky about what form a blessing comes in. If he/she is fun, pretty, outgoing or interesting. I am a snobby Christian only accepting blessings on my own terms. Humble me. Break my spirit of pride and arrogance.

  Lord - I pray for humility, courage and compassion.

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